Brian Dempsey bad513@netzero.net  |
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Zoltar and the Bearded Clams |
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 good friend and fellow musician and I were talking the other day about the digital revolution in music. We were bitching about how digital recordings all have this homogenous sound and how everybody sounds alike these days. If you ever owned a turntable and a real stereo in your life (not a $150.00 Aiwa), you'd know the difference. But sadly, people born in the last twenty years or so have probably never heard what rock is supposed to sound like. Well, digital music has hit a new low as I've discovered a 'band' that not only records digitally but has never even met each other. They are called Zoltar and the Bearded Clams.
Led by digital wizard Zoltar, who hails originally from a small, yet to be discovered Eastern European country, 'The Clams'; maybe music's sad future. The group is comprised of musicians who met online and they send their parts via email or FTP to Zoltar. He takes their contributions and manipulates them into songs and then emails the finished product back to the contributors. I'm told by one member that he sometimes doesn't even recognize what he did by the time the song is finished. Another funny thing about the Clams is that their guitarist, Mr. Lump has only performed one solo. It's been recycled over and over again and appears in one form or another in every Clams song to date. The band's first single, 'Big Brown Turtle of Doom' hit #1 on the now defunct Xoom.com's MP3 site beating out the likes of Weird Al Yankovic for almost twelve hours! The song was also # 10 on MP3.com's adult comedy section, beating out other sick artists. Their follow up, 'Bubba Drops the Soap' was equally as successful. Their new single, 'Voodoo Man' (See cover photo) will be online sometime soon. The odd thing is you can not buy any Bearded Clams music. It's on the Net only. You can download it, but it's not for sale. At least, not yet. I guess it's either a labor of love or technology gone extremely wrong! I caught up with Zoltar recently (don't ask how) and attempted an interview. Here's what happened: BD: Zoltar. It's a pleasure to meet you. Z: You haven't met me. How could it be a pleasure? You get your kicks in strange ways. What are you doing while we type this? BD: When you left your native land, what made you choose to settle in Cleveland? Did you lose a bet? Z: Yes. I was given second choice. The person who had first choice picked Ethiopia. BD: When did you get your first modern computer? I hear the ones in your native land ran on gas. Z: Yes they did. Beans were quite in demand then. And our Palm Pilots, what a mess! BD: So, when did you discover you could use one to make music? Z: All music is made with real instruments. It's like cooking. Think of the computer like a Kitchen Aid. It just brings everything together into the final product. (A preservative & food coloring is added.) BD: Tell me about The Bearded Clams. Is it true they never actually met? How did they come together? Z: Some did, some didn't. Some are friends of friends via the Internet. A few are working musicians who don't want to be known. Some don't want their mothers to know. Others prefer that their children don't know about this. |
BD: Your guitarist, Mr. Lump has to this point only done one solo. How much longer do you think you will be able to use it? Z: Eternally. BD: Will he ever do another solo? Z: Until he agrees to wear the protective headgear, his keeper won't let him leave the institute. BD: After 'Big Brown Turtle of Doom' came out, I heard the band got offers to play in little shithole clubs all around the country for like 200 bucks, etc. Why not go? That's how the Police started and now look at Sting's success. Z: Because it's a joke! The band members are architects, artists, working musicians, deviants and perverts (actually all the same thing) from all over the country that do it as a hobby, a laugh when they feel like it. (Nearest estimate in ages run from 15 to 53, male, female). The requests came from other strange bands to open for them and from such exotic places like Pennsylvania & Boston. Most all the Clams have real jobs. None are about to travel across country to play a bar in Butt Fudge N. Dakota. BD: Speaking of Sting, we all heard about how he can have sex for over eight straight hours. Is there anything you can do for eight hours that you'd like to share? Z: (Unidentifiable gurgles and slurps) BD: Uh. Let's let that one go...So, can we look forward to an actual Clams CD that we can buy or at least illegally download? Z: Hell, if you can find it, you can download what we do legally. BD: Do you think The Clams concept of musicians sitting in front of their computers and never leaving the house to go to rehearsal, the studio etc. will catch on? Z: It already has! The pop stage shows are all theater. The studio has changed! No more re-takes. Now just loop the good parts! CUT, Paste! Cut And Paste! Get a good producer! SAMPLE SAMPLE! We've taken it to the next level! Now you don't have to go and see some musician/singer on stage in costume projecting an image or attitude. Save your money, use your imagination ... We can be anything you want! Punk, Old Hippie, Grunge, Pop, etc. BD: What would happen if the Clams won a Grammy? Would they accept via webcam or do you think they'd actually show up? Z: There are no permanent CLAMS! Who would know who they were? We could send a UPS driver to collect it. He MIGHT be a Clam. (I've never met or seen them all) BD: So,what's next for The Bearded Clams? Z: Who ever turns up, who ever has time, whenever an idea pops up. When somebody learns a new riff. . . . BD: I see on your website, you impart little pearls of wisdom to your fans. Got one for us? Z: May you take simple pleasure in the dingy drainage dottling from the ooze nooks of a Herwadian Marmwarb. BD: Well, it's been a pleasure talking with you. In closing, is there anything you'd like to say to Clams fans and the readers of Citi-Music Magazine? Z: Fans? Citi-Music? Huh? I thought this was spam e-mail. I wondered why there were no links to the titty pics. |
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